Weight Loss Really is a Battle

Weight loss: a battle where a person is standing on both sides of the fight
You become your own enemy - now how healthy is that?

No one wants to go to war. No one likes fighting. It's emotional. It's difficult. And in the end, there really are no winners.

I kinda feel that way with weight loss. It is a constant war, where I may win a battle or two, but the fight never ends. I know that's a depressing thought, but it just goes to show that the turmoil and struggle isn't only physical. Mentally, I feel defeated more often than my body does. My body is ready for more. My body can push harder during my workouts. My body isn't actually hungry for that extra serving. It's all in my head. And I'm not sure how to combat that kind of fight.

::Gasp:: Maybe THIS is what's goin on. 

Long story short, I have been working really hard since the end of February on losing some of the pounds I've gained. Since my big weight loss, I'm up to a number that's higher than ever. (Still nowhere near where I was thank god, but still higher than I should be!) I workout five days a week. I track my food intake. I try to avoid anything white - bread, rice, potatoes, sugar. I'm not perfect, but I have seriously cut down on my portions and am way more conscientious about what foods I am putting in my mouth. And I'm up six pounds from where I started in February. Now riddle me that?

My dad, who has been a fitness buff his whole life, says to ignore the scale. Focus on the measurements, which I take every Tuesday at my personally scheduled weigh in.  For accountability, I have been sending my weight and measurements every week to one of my best friends, who is a Beachbody coach. The inches have been decreasing. So obviously, that's a victory. Then what's with the scale? I know I shouldn't be caught up in the numbers, but I'm working hard, I'm giving it time (it's been about two months!), and still the scale isn't reflecting any sort of loss? It doesn't make sense.

I can get behind the fact that my inches are shrinking and that the weight gain may be increased muscle, since I have incorporated strength training into my workout routine. But mentally, that number on the scale defeats me. I feel defeated, in spite of the fact that I feel healthier. I am able to run on the arc trainer for a straight 40 minutes at max speed and not be a complete wheezy mess. I see that there are parts of my body that look smaller and more fit. Yet, I still feel like I'm losing this battle. A battle that I will face my entire life.

It's exhausting. I don't want the numbers and the perceived defeat to derail me. These are lifestyle changes. There is no temporary fix. I don't love working out, but I love the way it makes me feel stronger and more capable. I don't love giving up bread and pasta, but generally, I don't miss it after a while. (However, pizza is my weakness and I'm never giving that shit up. Done and done.) I don't love having to worry about what I eat and scheduling in a workout everyday, but it's become who I am and that's the cross I have to bear.

I just wish that I could exercise and strengthen the mind the same way. I don't want to care about the numbers. But I do. I don't want to worry about the scale and the weigh-ins. But I do. And I don't want to get myself into a funk every time the scale reads a number I don't like.
But alas, here I am, funkin' it up.

21 Day Fix - Day 18 - Making Habits

They say it takes 21 days to make or break a habit. Now, I don't know if it's true, since I feel that the word 'habit' by nature is more intrinsic, more automatic, than something that is only done for 21 days. But hey, it's a start. Maybe it's the hump you need to get over so that it's a habit that you can make - does that make sense? Like it's difficult to stick to something for 21 days, but if you do, you're likely to continue it. I don't know, but either way, I feel like this healthy lifestyle thing is something that I should be able to stick with for a while. Generally, I don't feel deprived. I don't feel like I'm missing out on anything. And if an event or food item begs to be indulged in, then by God, indulge I will. It just won't be the norm anymore; the crap food that tastes amazing but is a bitch to work off will have to be the exception.

I'm pretty excited about my progress. When I weighed in at the beginning of the week, I recorded that I am down 3.6 pounds (which doesn't seem like much, but it's only been two weeks!) and down 9" overall. That's crazy! So not only am I getting leaner, I'm building muscle. I can't see it. I can feel it. And that makes the hard work worth it.

I know that I'm not going to be finished after 21 days. I'll continue until I get to my goal weight, and maybe even after. But truth be told, I think that my key to success this go-around has been the accountability group that I belong to on Facebook. There are about 100 people who were invited into it and we are all doing the program together. On the page, we share successes, failures, concerns, recipes, workout pictures, and motivation. At first it was annoying to have the constant alerts from strangers, but it keeps it present in my mind at all times. When I hear that 'ding', it's almost like a Pavlovian response that resets my brain to focus on healthy choices.

I can't say that I can't do it alone. I have before. But it sure as hell is easier when you have a friend, a buddy, and/or a support system to keep you going. To encourage you when things get tough. To remind you that shit happens and that we are all going to flub up and that's it's okay.

21 Day Fix - Day 10 - A Mistake Ain't the End of the World

I know I skipped a lot of days of blogging, but really, it's because there isn't all that much to report. I'm sticking to the plan. I'm working out most days a week. I shoot for a goal of five out of seven. If I can do all seven then awesome, but I feel like five is fair amidst my teaching schedule and you know, life.

Photo credit: http://mealandaspiel.com/

In general, I'm feeling really great! I have noticed that my appetite has decreased. I don't crave the crap food as much any more. And I am seeing a difference when I weigh and measure myself, which is encouraging! I won't say I haven't "slipped up' because I have - I'm human. But I want to try to reprogram my brain to not think of these moments so negatively. It's just a part of life for god's sake. I mean, I don't want to live in a world where I can't have a bite of cake every once in a while. That, my friends, ain't a life worth livin'.  

And I think that the way we perceive these so called 'cheat' meals can be really harmful to our psyche. We eat something that off the plan and maybe not so good for us and we instantly feel a sense of overwhelming guilt. We feel like failures. And that feeling sucks! For many of us, eating has emotional roots, so to be overcome with such a sense of defeat can actually trigger more harmful and binge-like behavior. It's a vicious cycle based on a warped mentality. And it takes time, work, and constant effort to work on it.

I went to a nutritionist/support group/behavior health study thing at Drexel University. In fact, it's sort of what kicked off this whole weight loss journey five years ago. It was orchestrated through their psychology department, not medical school. (How interesting, right?) And the study focused on behavior modifications - how to build and deconstruct both good and bad habits, how to rewire your brain to think about exercise and nutrition, etc. It wasn't a miracle cure. There weren't any magical electrodes or shock therapy or brainwashing. It was just common sense strategies that we could implement in our everyday lives to help us make better choices. The weight loss element of it was based on good ole-fashioned calorie counting and exercise. Ain't no other way to do it. Tracking input vs output and working on how to make time for physical activity. We also had a one hour meeting to discuss obstacles and difficulties, as well as successes of our week.

The reason I bring this VERY LONG story up is because our group leader said some really great things that really stuck with me long after our meetings were over. The first is that if you have a 'cheat meal' - if you go bananas and stuff your face with chocolate covered bacon topped Belgian waffles or something equally as delicious yet devastating calorically - most people think, "Well, I effed up my day, I might as well just say screw it and eat whatever I want and then just start over again tomorrow." This, I have learned even though I am SO GUILTY of it myself, is detrimental to success. There is no reason to that we can't identify that the waffle wasn't the best choice, but with the very next thing you eat, make a better one. Try to make up for it by eating better things for the rest of the day and then you don't set yourself behind as far as you would if you just go balls-to-the-walls and eat everything in sight. Starting over is hard because every time you start over you're reminded that you quit. You messed up. It's psychologically debilitating.

I know that this weight loss journey is a journey for life. It doesn't matter that I lost 100 pounds, that I gained a few back, that I'm working to maintain my weight and all the good habits that I worked so hard to form way back when. The past, oddly enough, doesn't matter. It's all about the present. The choices that I make right here, right now. These choices, these habits, are now a part of my every day life. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't have to think about the things that I eat and the kind of effect they will have on my body and my health. However, if I am going to make such an effort to improve my body, then I might as well, while I'm at it, make an equal effort to improve my mind and my self-confidence. I don't think that they need to be mutually exclusive. I feel like being overweight my whole life has been psychologically damaging. It has left scars that I'm not sure will ever heal. But it's also made me a stronger person. I have had to face and overcome a lot and every step of that journey has made me the woman that I am today. A woman I am pretty proud to be.

So here's to not beating ourselves up over making mistakes. We're human, it's gonna happen. (If it doesn't you might be an andriod!) Life is hard, but maybe if we learn to take these mistakes in stride, they damage won't be as everlasting.

21 Day Fix - Day Two

The happy face of a girl whose finished her workout!

I thought I'd be waaaay more sore today. In fact, yesterday I told one of the girls in the accountability group, "Not gonna lie: the thought of [working out] again tomorrow, in spite of the debilitating soreness, kinda makes me wanna cry. But as the great Taylor Swift once said, we're gonna 'Shake it Off' and kick it's ass - even if it's in slow motion." But it's not as bad as it's been in the past, which is awesome.  

Today's workout: Upper Body Fix. So my arms might be jello tomorrow... we'll see. Actually, there isn't much to report for today. Thankfully I'm not all that hungry, which is good, and that has helped to stay on track with the eating part. 

The reason for this post and the main theme of this entry today is to explain a revelation that I had today during the second round of my circle crunches (which, by the way, suck!): and it is that NO ONE IS GOING TO DO THIS FOR ME. I can quit. I can slack off. I can lie. I can phone it in. But no one benefits or suffers from half-assing it except for me. I mean, I was giving it my all today during my workout, but when it was getting hard, it was that thought that pushed me through it. 

I've been overweight my whole life. When I was growing up, my parents used to try to encourage me to exercise more and eat the right things (etc) right through my teen years and straight into my 20s. It wasn't until I was ready to do it on my own that things began to change. I had to not only want it for myself, I had to want to fight for it, in spite of the difficulties and struggles. 

And I am so grateful that I finally had that epiphany. I wish I would have had it sooner. But everything happens for a reason and everything happens when it's supposed to happen, so I live with no regrets. But bottom line: this is my battle, and I'm in it to win it.