I've been thinking about writing this post for awhile. But to be honest, I'm a little ashamed to say these things out loud. I've always considered myself a fiercely independent, relatively intelligent woman, and my inability to speak up for myself diminishes both of those characteristics: the two characteristics by which I most greatly define who I am. It's counterintuitive to possess both a fierce independence, which hinges a lot of the time on not caring what others think, and the inability to stand up for myself when the situation warrants it. This lack of voice weakens me and, to be honest, frustrates the shit out of me. And I'll tell you why (beyond the obvious).
I grew up with mostly guy friends. Throughout middle school, when girls cared about makeup and flirting with boys, I just didn't. I, conversely, was in the trenches, so to speak, spending my afternoons with my guy friends picking through muddy streams looking for tadpoles or playing an all-afternoon game of capture the flag. I played in the dirt. I rough-housed. I wasn't afraid.
But growing up like this made me want to avoid being girly at all costs, because if I was 'girly' then I wouldn't fit in with the guys anymore. And then where would I be? This fear of being 'girly' stayed with me throughout high school, through out college, and still plagues me today.
Funnily enough, on the outside, you'd think I was plenty girly. I brush my hair (thank god, that shit would be chaos!). I work as a makeup artist - and I LOVE makeup now. I get dressed up when the situation warrants it. I do 'girly' things. But still in the back of my mind lingers a voice that says, "don't be such a girl" and "hey you, watch out, your 'girly' is showing!"
Being a girl in my mind is synonymous with being dramatic. Blowing things out of proportion. Making a lotta something outta nothing. Making a situation all about her. (These are really uncool stereotypes, I KNOW!) But I fought for so long to not be a girl in that respect. To just keep the peace and let things roll, you know, the way guys do. I never wanted to make waves or stand out in anyway among my guy friends. It was like I was getting away with a secret and maybe, if I kept quiet for long enough, they wouldn't realize that there was a stranger in their midsts. I was an incredible double agent. So good in fact, that I think I even fooled myself.
This silence has bled into almost all forums of my life. If someone hurts me, or offends me, or does wrong by me, I usually say nothing. I don't want to be 'blowing things out of proportion'. I don't want to be uncharacteristically 'dramatic'. I usually just keep the hurt to myself, sweep it neatly under the rug. And let me tell you, there's a mountain of shit under that rug by now. It isn't healthy; I know this. But it's been years of conditioning and I'm not sure how to change it.
It's funny because my mom is outspoken. So are my sisters. And at times their brazenness has embarrassed me. But most times, I'm jealous. They have no trouble being honest and speaking up for themselves. They have no qualms about respecting themselves and their opinions enough to say what they need to say, to whom they need to say it, when it needs to be said. And that, to me, is amazing.
The guy I most recently was dating was/is kind of a dick. He wasn't always. Or maybe he was. But there was something about him that I loved. A rawness. A realness. He was never afraid. Or maybe he was always afraid. Shit, I don't know. We "dated" on an off for about three years and he was someone in my group of friends and it just morphed into something more. Long story short, there were moments when he was so great, but others when he was truly a dick. A straight up asshole. And I said nothing. And that upsets me more than anything. Even more than his behavior, the fact that I allowed it is nauseating. Who am I? Well, I fear I'm a hypocrite, because I would be the first one to identify if one of my friends was being mistreated and give her shit for not standing up for herself. I would say, "What are you nuts? You're worth more than this! You're awesome and he's a loser. Eff him!" I would tell her to pack it up and get the hell out. She's better than that. But here I am, three years later and I couldn't give myself the same pep talk.
We've been done for a while now, but we still share the same group of friends, so we still see each other, maybe more often than I'd like. In the end, he was the one who effed it up. He was the reason that we called it quits. (Not that I'm absolving myself of any blame, but without getting into it, he really effed up and then we were just done.) This past weekend I saw him, and he treated me like I had the plague. Treated me like I had wronged him. And I should have pulled him aside and ripped him a new one. But I never did that. Not even when we ended our relationship. He effed up and I let him walk. Without a word. And now, he still is aloof and disconnected. And I should have let him have it! A balls-to-the-walls, all out yelling, screaming bonanza. And I would have been completely in the right. But, once again, I didn't want to be that girl. The girl that 'ruined the party', the girl that was 'being dramatic', the one who 'probably has her period because she's being so emotional'. I had my chance - again - and again, I said nothing. WHAT IS THE MATTER WITH ME!?!
Since when did 'being a girl' get such a negative wrap? Obviously, I can identify that women are powerful. Smart. Sexy. I grew up with a mom who is all of those things. She exemplifies the type of woman that she wanted her daughters to become. And in a lot of ways, I feel like I've done her proud. But I can't un-silence myself, no matter how hard I try. For a woman with a voice, I can't speak up. It's not okay. Not for me. Not for any woman. To be made to feel like your opinions should be silenced, or that your emotions are too deep, that you feel too much, that you care too much, is bullshit. It's really an unfair double standard and I'm tired of it keeping me quiet.
I can't say that it will happen overnight, but I am going to make a more concerted effort to speak up. To speak out. For things that upset me. For injustices I witness. For anything I damn-well-please. Because my opinion matters just as much as anyone else's. And I'm tired of waiting for my turn to speak.
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