Weight Loss Really is a Battle

Weight loss: a battle where a person is standing on both sides of the fight
You become your own enemy - now how healthy is that?

No one wants to go to war. No one likes fighting. It's emotional. It's difficult. And in the end, there really are no winners.

I kinda feel that way with weight loss. It is a constant war, where I may win a battle or two, but the fight never ends. I know that's a depressing thought, but it just goes to show that the turmoil and struggle isn't only physical. Mentally, I feel defeated more often than my body does. My body is ready for more. My body can push harder during my workouts. My body isn't actually hungry for that extra serving. It's all in my head. And I'm not sure how to combat that kind of fight.

::Gasp:: Maybe THIS is what's goin on. 

Long story short, I have been working really hard since the end of February on losing some of the pounds I've gained. Since my big weight loss, I'm up to a number that's higher than ever. (Still nowhere near where I was thank god, but still higher than I should be!) I workout five days a week. I track my food intake. I try to avoid anything white - bread, rice, potatoes, sugar. I'm not perfect, but I have seriously cut down on my portions and am way more conscientious about what foods I am putting in my mouth. And I'm up six pounds from where I started in February. Now riddle me that?

My dad, who has been a fitness buff his whole life, says to ignore the scale. Focus on the measurements, which I take every Tuesday at my personally scheduled weigh in.  For accountability, I have been sending my weight and measurements every week to one of my best friends, who is a Beachbody coach. The inches have been decreasing. So obviously, that's a victory. Then what's with the scale? I know I shouldn't be caught up in the numbers, but I'm working hard, I'm giving it time (it's been about two months!), and still the scale isn't reflecting any sort of loss? It doesn't make sense.

I can get behind the fact that my inches are shrinking and that the weight gain may be increased muscle, since I have incorporated strength training into my workout routine. But mentally, that number on the scale defeats me. I feel defeated, in spite of the fact that I feel healthier. I am able to run on the arc trainer for a straight 40 minutes at max speed and not be a complete wheezy mess. I see that there are parts of my body that look smaller and more fit. Yet, I still feel like I'm losing this battle. A battle that I will face my entire life.

It's exhausting. I don't want the numbers and the perceived defeat to derail me. These are lifestyle changes. There is no temporary fix. I don't love working out, but I love the way it makes me feel stronger and more capable. I don't love giving up bread and pasta, but generally, I don't miss it after a while. (However, pizza is my weakness and I'm never giving that shit up. Done and done.) I don't love having to worry about what I eat and scheduling in a workout everyday, but it's become who I am and that's the cross I have to bear.

I just wish that I could exercise and strengthen the mind the same way. I don't want to care about the numbers. But I do. I don't want to worry about the scale and the weigh-ins. But I do. And I don't want to get myself into a funk every time the scale reads a number I don't like.
But alas, here I am, funkin' it up.