Weight Loss Really is a Battle

Weight loss: a battle where a person is standing on both sides of the fight
You become your own enemy - now how healthy is that?

No one wants to go to war. No one likes fighting. It's emotional. It's difficult. And in the end, there really are no winners.

I kinda feel that way with weight loss. It is a constant war, where I may win a battle or two, but the fight never ends. I know that's a depressing thought, but it just goes to show that the turmoil and struggle isn't only physical. Mentally, I feel defeated more often than my body does. My body is ready for more. My body can push harder during my workouts. My body isn't actually hungry for that extra serving. It's all in my head. And I'm not sure how to combat that kind of fight.

::Gasp:: Maybe THIS is what's goin on. 

Long story short, I have been working really hard since the end of February on losing some of the pounds I've gained. Since my big weight loss, I'm up to a number that's higher than ever. (Still nowhere near where I was thank god, but still higher than I should be!) I workout five days a week. I track my food intake. I try to avoid anything white - bread, rice, potatoes, sugar. I'm not perfect, but I have seriously cut down on my portions and am way more conscientious about what foods I am putting in my mouth. And I'm up six pounds from where I started in February. Now riddle me that?

My dad, who has been a fitness buff his whole life, says to ignore the scale. Focus on the measurements, which I take every Tuesday at my personally scheduled weigh in.  For accountability, I have been sending my weight and measurements every week to one of my best friends, who is a Beachbody coach. The inches have been decreasing. So obviously, that's a victory. Then what's with the scale? I know I shouldn't be caught up in the numbers, but I'm working hard, I'm giving it time (it's been about two months!), and still the scale isn't reflecting any sort of loss? It doesn't make sense.

I can get behind the fact that my inches are shrinking and that the weight gain may be increased muscle, since I have incorporated strength training into my workout routine. But mentally, that number on the scale defeats me. I feel defeated, in spite of the fact that I feel healthier. I am able to run on the arc trainer for a straight 40 minutes at max speed and not be a complete wheezy mess. I see that there are parts of my body that look smaller and more fit. Yet, I still feel like I'm losing this battle. A battle that I will face my entire life.

It's exhausting. I don't want the numbers and the perceived defeat to derail me. These are lifestyle changes. There is no temporary fix. I don't love working out, but I love the way it makes me feel stronger and more capable. I don't love giving up bread and pasta, but generally, I don't miss it after a while. (However, pizza is my weakness and I'm never giving that shit up. Done and done.) I don't love having to worry about what I eat and scheduling in a workout everyday, but it's become who I am and that's the cross I have to bear.

I just wish that I could exercise and strengthen the mind the same way. I don't want to care about the numbers. But I do. I don't want to worry about the scale and the weigh-ins. But I do. And I don't want to get myself into a funk every time the scale reads a number I don't like.
But alas, here I am, funkin' it up.

21 Day Fix - One Day at a Time - Day 1

I purchased Autumn Calabrese's 21 Day Fix back in the summer, mostly because of the workouts. I like the idea of a 30 minute intense workout. EVERYONE HAS TIME FOR 30 MINUTES!! It comes with a pre-measured, color-coded tupperware eating plan I thought would be simple, but it ended up overwhelming the shit out of me. It's based on a clean-eating style diet with strict portion control. I get it, conceptually, but in practice it was making me crazy. And it ended up being something that I couldn't stick with.

Now as you all now, based on the title of this blog, I lost a lot of weight a few years ago. But maintaining it has been almost harder than the loss itself. You notice the scale creep up one pound at a time and you make excuses: it's water weight, it's hormones, it's the heat, it's the cold, it's the alignment of Jupiter in the sun's orbital axis, blah blah blah. Until one pound turns to two turns to ten. You get the picture. I've worked TOO EFFIN HARD to go back to where I was. It ain't happening.  Let's get that clear right now. IT AIN'T HAPPENING!!!

Well, I've crept up more than a few pounds, nothing near what I used to be, but it's still me rockin' and rollin' in the wrong direction and I need to take steps to turn this shit back around. One of my best friends (Ashley) also ordered the 21 Day Fix a while ago and we discussed the pros and cons of the program last time we were together. Since then, she has really gotten on board with it and is kicking its ass, and is organizing an 'accountability group' on Facebook of about 85 people who all check in, offer tips and recipes, and keep the enthusiasm up. I said, you know what? Why the hell not?

So, it's day one and I already got off to a shit start. I couldn't find my stupid containers (I think my mom gave them away when she was packing up leftovers for my sisters. Not that we don't have 8,000 other tupperwares!! GRRR!!) I didn't know what to eat for breakfast. My dvd player decided to poop out when I went to do the workout and had to restart it three times. Ugh. Life was fighting me hard. But this bitch fought back and in the end, (I think) I won.

Truthfully, I'm probably not going to follow the eating plan outlined by the program and instead will do my own version of a low-carb, clean-eating style diet and track my calories with My Fitness Pal. I just don't see the tupperware and the style of counting and tracking to be something I can stick with. Therefore, I need to make accommodations to make it something that I can do - something that I want to do. Today was the official start day for the 21 Day Fix Accountability group, but I've been eating in this fashion for the last week and already see results on the scale so I know that paired with the workouts, I should do well.

But I'm jazzed about the 'accountability' part. It's something I need in order to be successful. When I first started losing weight about five years ago, I needed to register for a race (actually a Sprint Triathlon - check out that blog entry here) in order to hold myself accountable to work out. All I kept thinking was, "If I skip my workout today, I'm gonna look like a jackass on race day when I'm dead on the side of the course." I thought about starting Weight Watchers for the same reason. But it is costly, and I already have the 21 Day Fix program, and Ashley has volunteered to be my coach - which means that she checks in with me and is my lifeline if I am staring down the face of a chocolate dessert into which feel myself caving. (I can only imagine that phone call - my voice wild with panic, the desperation palpable.) I had to write her an email today with all of my measurements and my weight and it kinda made me want to jump off a bridge. Or a cliff. Or out a plane without a chute. But I did it. This is what being accountable is all about. And if I can't tell this shit to my best friend then who can I tell? Best part? Is that she gets it too. Not that I want her to struggle in any way with weight (and trust me, she is by no means 'fat') but she is someone who understands that weight loss is a continuous battle. An every day struggle. My family (God love'em) doesn't really get that. They've never had to struggle with weight the way I have.

So here we go. I'm kinda stoked to be blogging again too! This is what this blog was supposed to be for. I will certainly keep you posted. Let me know if you guys have any questions and I'll be sure to answer them as best as possible. Aside from that, pray for me.

This is the face that says "Eff, I really don't feel like doing this right now, 
but I'm gonna do it anyway!!"